As life goes, things don’t seem so terrible a little while later, and I am feeling more optimistic about things and want to get back to you, my readers. I will try to sort some helpful thoughts out of my slump. In any event, I apologize for my radio silence and hope that you will still find useful ideas on HearingFamilies.com.

First, when you make a mistake or let someone down, apologize. Even your spouse, who is supposed to love you either way and especially apologize to your children, because that is the best way to teach them to take responsibility for their actions and their mistakes and to apologize when they need to.

Second, say it out loud with words. Don’t just make amends: tell the person or people that you are sorry. Apologize for letting them down. Something about saying it with words (not an email or instant message) makes it mean more.

Third, apologizing fights the threat of perfect. There is nothing worse for people that the looming overwhelming nature of perfection. If Mom and Dad are perfect – then how could I, a small child, ever match up to them, how could I ever hope to reach their success? From the perspective of a child, especially a child with challenges – adults can seem perfect. And perfect is too hard to bother trying to emulate.

Fourth, mistakes are a part of the process in life. No one is truly perfect, and even the things that we may excel at – we only got so good at by hard work and practice. Unrealistic expectations that we must be perfect only make us not want to take a chance in the first place. We learn from every mistake too. However painful they may be at times, very little is as memorable as a mistake. We are made up of our successes and our failures.

Finally, apologizing strengthens the relationship between the people involved. When we let another person down, our relationship inevitably suffers. When we apologize, we work to repair the damage. An apology rarely erases the mistake or falling out, but when the hurt person sees the other person trying to bridge the gap between them, it can help make the relationship stronger, by demonstrating that even though apologizing is hard to do, I will do it nonetheless, because you are worth it to me.

“ Dans ses écrits, un sàge Italien
Dit que le mieux est l’ennemi du bien.

(In his writings, a wise Italian
says that the best is the enemy of the good) ”

When we calm down though, we realize that change does not come overnight and without a plan. If we model a behavior plan after an IEP  - it will give us some guidance. Deciding that “this child is not behaving how I want” is not going to guide an improvement. We need to define the issue, discuss what triggers or exacerbates the issue, what helps the issue, decide how to try to change the issue and then give it some time to see if our plan works.

Define the issue. “my child is immature” may be true, but it is not defined specifically enough to improve things. Try to tease “immature” apart – when does immature behavior happen? What was the last time you felt your child acting immature? What happened in that situation? Is that a priority issue for you? What is the highest priority issue? Is this where you want to start? Is this the most urgent thing to change?

What makes it worse? Think about the times when your child had this problematic behavior: what was going on around her? Big red flags for many children include: hunger, tiredness, feeling confused about the situation, or overwhelmed by the noise/commotion.

What makes it better? Can you recall a time when there was almost an outburst or problematic behavior and it didn’t go so badly? What have you already tried?

Make a plan – keep a record and make a time deadline. I can’t imagine a way to change “immature” overnight. But you can take your starting issue, create a strategy to make a change, and give it 4 or 6 weeks to see if your strategy works. Write down each time this situation occurs, note what was unique each time. Make a date when you will sit down and evaluate the progress of this issue.

Work together with teachers, therapists or other important adults. Take advantage of your natural allies – these people can help your child together with you. Explain your plan to them. Get their feedback on your child’s behavior at school, day care, or other setting when you are not there. Include them in your strategy and present a united front.

Evaluate, tweak, and celebrate! If it worked, if there is even a little bit of progress: reward your child and yourselves! Everyone feels good when their efforts are appreciated – in parenting you need to celebrate your own accomplishments! Pat yourself of the back!

If you would like to work together with me on an emotional issue or behavioral problem, drop me a note Efrat@hearingfamilies.com and lets see what we can come up with together!

Hi, its me your child with hearing loss. There is something really important about me that you need to know. I realize how hard you try to help me learn language and succeed, so I know that you would want to know about this so you can help me.

I try hard to understand what is going on around the house, especially when it seems that interesting or unusual things are happening. But sometimes I miss stuff. I can’t always tell what people are saying, and if people are trying to whisper or hint it is very hard for me to catch the info.

When someone is sick, explain this to me. Tell me straight out – I’d rather know about it and not be shocked, even if it is sad. Like when Grandpa went to the hospital and you weren’t sure if he was going to die. Please explain that to me. Tell me that we don’t really know when anyone will die. Help me understand that Grandpa was really sick and that he had an infection and the doctors at the hospital were trying to help him get better. If you don’t tell me, I might not understand why everyone at home is sad and stressed. But even if you don’t tell me, I can sense that something is wrong and I will worry and feel scared nonetheless. Although you may mean well, you cannot shield me from sickness or sadness. That is not even your job – your job is to help me learn how to cope with life, not to hide life from me. I want to be a part of this family, and that means being a part of the sad and upsetting times too.

When a guest comes over who looks different or has a special need, tell me about it. I, of all people, can appreciate that we are all different and we need different things. I might never have seen this kind of thing before and if you prepare me ahead of time, then I won’t be frightened and I’ll handle the situation so much better. I might never have seen a child in a wheelchair or a person who is blind, but you can teach me about it and then I will know.

When you are going through a hard time, include me. I understand that some things are just for Moms and Dads. But sometimes hard things that happen to you will be so important that they have an effect on me. If you lose your job, as a kid I can’t do much to help. But at least I will know that you are under pressure and I can understand if you are upset or don’t have so much patience for my fighting with my brother and sister. You won’t scare me more by telling me what is going on. I can feel that something is different and not right. I am worried about you already, so share with me and make me feel included in our family.

When you are going on a trip or leaving somewhere, let me know in advance. I may cry because I really don’t want to be away from you. But it helps me to know when you are leaving – because then I can prepare myself. You can make me a calendar, with boxes to check off so that I can get a sense of when you will be back. You can make a plan of when you will call or email me each day or every few days. And you can remind me of who will take care of me while you are gone and why you trust this person or people.

When we go to a place where you need to behave in a certain way, let me know. Do we need to stand in line and wait our turn? Do we need to sit quietly? Do we need to wash our hands first? I might really be able to do what is required to behave appropriately in this situation if you explain it to me ahead of time. Let me think about it, ask questions to clarify and make sure that I understand what is expected of me. If you ask me “Do you think that you can do what is required? Do you want to come?” then it is my decision to cooperate with you and your expectations and I might really succeed and impress you. That would make me feel so good, since I really want to be successful and your approval means so much to me.

Truth be told, my brothers and sisters without hearing loss could use this information spelled out to them sometimes too. They have an easier time eavesdropping than I do – but we are only children after all, we do not understand everything. We need you to help us make sense of the often confusing world around us.

Love,
Your Child

Interacting with older people gives an opportunity to teach children respect. My children’s grandparents are young and active. And in the kind of world we live in, my kids’ grandparents are close friends and even playmates, like many other adults. This creates wonderful intimacy and closeness – but not necessarily respect. I still think that learning respect is important. Everyone is not your friend. I want my kids to learn to treat some people with respect, these people are not your equals, not your friends, but deserve your deference and esteem.

Older people teach children how to get along with other people’s rules. When parents are away and children are being cared for by grandparents, even for an hour, children must learn to deal with a different authority figure. It is useful to know how to handle another person than Mom and Dad telling you what to do. They might be arbitrary and old-fashioned, but as a child, you still need to learn how to handle them. This holds you in good stead for life – when many different authority figures (teachers, boss, police officer) will tell you what to do and knowing how to handle that will make your life much easier.

Older people give children a sense of history, and their own personal history. Encourage your children to ask an older person questions about their life and experiences. What did they play when they were children? How did they celebrate holidays when they were young? What language did they speak with their parents or grandparents? Did they immigrate to another country? What did they do during World War II? (My brother so hoped that my grandfather still kept some bombs, that he might share, from his stint in the US Army in 1942-45!) What did they think was the best invention that has come along in their lifetime? (My husband’s grandmother told us: indoor plumbing!) Family, being part of a chain of people and generations, gives children a sense of connectedness that is really meaningful.

Older people can help children learn to care for others and appreciate what they have. If an older person has physical limitations, children can help out – picking things up, running errands, carrying things – transforming children from the small people who need help into the capable people who give help. This can be a very empowering experience. Teaching children to care for older people, whose bodies do not do everything they should and once did, can also help kids with hearing loss put their own experience into a different perspective. They might think of themselves differently when they realize how well most of their body does work.

If you do not have relatives or friends who are older people nearby, you can take your children to visit local nursing homes or assisted-living facilities. They can bring along pictures they have drawn and give them out, if they play an instrument – great chance for an adoring audience!, if they feel shy, here is a chance to practice social skills with forgiving people. Older people can look scary to children (and adults) at first. That is okay, and its important for kids to know that their reactions are okay. Talk about your feelings and reactions and encourage your children to talk about theirs. But keep trying because good deeds make children feel good.

Put brand new batteries in cochlear implants or hearing aids. Nobody needs a battery problem ever – but the first day seems worse. Hopefully your child will have spare batteries at school in several different safe places – but one the first day – it might be hard to know where they are. So just to be sure – send your child with new batteries.

Talk to your child ahead of time about the plan for the first day. How will your child get to school? Where does she go then? How will she get home? Make sure that your child knows what to expect. Your child will feel more secure and in control if she knows the plan. If your child is old enough to read: write this all down for her, with phone numbers of people who will be driving your child, or with your cell phone numbers in case there is a problem.

Make sure that your child knows her teacher’s name. Make sure that your child can say: “I am in Ms. Reed’s 3^rd grade class.” This way if the hallways are filled with commotion – your child can ask for directions to the right classroom. In case of a younger child or a child less able to speak up for herself – write it down for your child and tell her to show the note to a grown-up who can help.

 If at all possible – go to visit the school building a day or two before the first day. Walk together to your child’s new classroom and help your child remember where to go. If there is a floor plan of the school, that can be useful for your child to map out where she needs to go. Where is the classroom? the bathroom? cafeteria? gym? Draw a map if there is not one.

 Remind your child that all the new kids are an opportunity to make new friends. It can feel overwhelming to enter a classroom full of new faces. But the up-side of new kids is the chance to meet new friends. Encourage your child to be friendly to other kids. Encourage your child to see if there is anyone who looks like they need a friend at recess or in the classroom.

 Put “emergency rations” in your child’s backpack. I always try to send my kids with a granola bar or bag of cereal and a boxed drink in case of emergency. Yes, for my family, lack of food can be a big deal! But for any young child, if you get too hungry, it can ruin your morning. So just in case your child’s lunch gets lost or ruined or other tragic circumstance – all will not be lost!

 Reassure your child that the first day can be hectic – and she should not worry if the first day is not so smooth. The first day is an adjustment for everyone. Its OK if it turns out to be a little stressful, especially if your child is prepared for the hectic first day and knows that things will calm down soon. Give your child a note card to write down any issues that she needs to work out. Then she can feel ok during the school day and she can bring the list to you at the end of the day to work out the kinks.

Parents: do you have any other tips? Please share them with us!

Wishing all of you a great school year!!!

I recalled the great opportunity I had to speak with Dr. Carol Flexer, an expert in pediatric audiology, when my son was approaching his teenage years. I asked her how long she recommended staying with BTE hearing aids. She answered very matter-of-factly “As long as you can – I recommend BTEs for children, but I fit my husband with BTEs too since they offer the most power, the most flexibility and options, so I really discourage using other types of hearing aids.”

It was an eye-opening conversation for me. I had always figured that my son would eventually be able to and want to move over to less conspicuous hearing aids, that would not be so noticeable to others, as he got older. But Dr. Flexer’s practical perspective made me re-think the whole issue:

1. There is nothing to be ashamed about when anyone has a hearing loss. Your child has done nothing wrong. You, parents, have done nothing wrong. There is no shame that must be hidden.

2. Hearing aids are things that help us hear. Just like glasses are things that help us see. They are not symbols of old age or of being in a weak or decrepit state. When we try to hide hearing aids, we, even unknowingly, support the bias against hearing aids, as somehow associated only with old age and all that is unwanted about growing old.

3. When we encourage our children to wear their hearing aids proudly, we send a very strong message to our children that their hearing aids are not any reason to be embarrassed – they are a fact of life and a part of their appearance that is just fine. The message is that we are comfortable with our child, and the child feels comfortable with himself too.

4. We also send the message, loud and clear, to ourselves and everyone else who sees our child walking down the street: That hearing aids are a normal part of life, for children, for adults, for whomever needs them. Everyone can feel more comfortable wearing them when the people who need them wear them proudly.

5. Choose cool BTE case colors or neat colors for ear molds. My son has chosen ear molds in every color combination (short of pink and purple:) and got see-through cases on his BTE hearing aids so you can see the mechanism from the outside. Just like the child with green rubber bands on her braces or friends’ autographs on a cast, making hearing aids more colorful makes them more fun.

6. It is important for people who interact with our child to see that the child has a hearing loss. One of the consequences of hearing aids that are easy to see, is that adults or children who meet our children will easily be able to see that our child has difficulty hearing. The child is not rude, or ignoring you, or dumb – he just can’t hear well. How quickly do people jump to the wrong conclusions about a child who has a disability that is hard to see! Ironically, it is really to our child’s benefit if their hearing loss is easy to notice.

7. A little perspective is good too: we are so very fortunate that we HAVE modern hearing aids to help us hear. Kids, not long ago, had big boxes to wear around their necks, that barely made sounds loud enough for them. They struggled terribly to hear anything with those crude, analog, body-worn hearing aids. Now we have so much more sophisticated technology to make our children’s lives better. That’s something to really be proud about!

Lets all hope that each year, as our kids grow and learn, the world will all learn to accept hearing loss and hearing aids with more understanding. Lets hope that hearing aids will continue to get better and better, improving everyone’s lives.

Along the way, I got the help of a speech therapist who tried to encourage her families to participate in my study. She told me that she had one mother who asked her “What’s in it for me?” This thoughtful speech therapist told the mother “Nothing actually, but the reason your child is doing so well is thanks to the parents who participated in the research 10 years ago. Now you can do the same to improve the lives of families in the future.”

Please take a few minutes and fill out this short survey online (I did it myself and it only took me about 5 minutes). It is the doctoral research of Adrian Taylor at Vanderbilt University. Here is a chance to make a difference to children with hearing loss all over the world and perhaps many years from now.

https://redcap.vanderbilt.edu/surveys/?s=fL4BTt

Thank you!

Mr. Michaels had a suggestion. He had seen research about children who feel vulnerable changing how they perceive themselves when THEY are the leaders, the active participants in the situation. Mr. Michaels had a neighbor, Joey, who was 4 years old and had only recently gotten a hearing aid in his right ear. He was diagnosed with a unilateral hearing loss a couple of months ago and had a significant speech delay. Gabriel could volunteer to play with Joey once a week after school. They could play together, and talk and listen. Only in this situation Gabriel would be the competent one, the teacher, the “big brother.” They played every Wednesday afternoon throughout the rest of the school year. Gabriel would teach Joey words and games and realized how much he knew and how able he was. Both boys got so much out of it – and Mr. Michaels now recommends volunteering for every child in his 7^th grade class. Here is why:

Middle school is a time of instability for children. In the years of early adolescence, ages 11 to 14, kids explore their own sense of self; they try to understand who they are. Their ability to reason and think as well as understand the feelings and perspectives of others affect their own ideas of who they are and where they stand among their peers. Having a social interaction and responsibility outside of the world of middle schoolers can be so healthy for children struggling to fit in (and all kids at this stage are struggling to fit in).

Responsibility gives children a sense of meaning and purpose. Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who studied how people survive traumatic and chaotic experiences, found that the search for meaning drives people on. He found that people who have something to live for, some source of meaning in their lives can endure unthinkable conditions. I would venture to say: even the social jungle of middle school. If a child has someone who counts on them, looks up to them and needs them – that can be a vital and necessary source of meaning in a middle schooler’s life. Everyone needs to be needed.

The student gets to become the teacher! Gabriel had been the student in school and the student in speech therapy sessions since he was still in diapers. Now, he was the expert, the one who knew how to say the word, how to fix the toy, how to play the game. He cheered for Joey when Joey picked up new words that they had used together. Gabriel felt a fantastic sense of accomplishment whenever Joey learned something new. Gabriel started to think about himself differently now. He saw how Joey looked up to him and felt more confident and optimistic.

Exposure to other people with hearing loss can help put things in perspective. Joey was having trouble adjusting to his hearing aid. But seeing Gabriel with two made Joey ask his parents for a second hearing aid to look like Gabriel! Joey’s parents also felt a sense of relief – they were so worried about how Joey’s delays would hurt him in the long-term. It was very reassuring to see a big kid, talking clearly, going to school, being independent and seeming normal! Gabriel, at the same time, realized how far his speech and language skills had come. His parents told him about when he was Joey’s age, but for Gabriel, he stood up taller and felt better about his hearing loss, realizing now how well he was doing.

The younger child has a valuable language model. Parents and speech therapists will not be able to convey the same message, the same way as an 11 year old boy, sitting on the floor next to you, showing you how to build a rocket out of lego. Enabling young children with hearing loss to have multiple and diverse models of language is wonderful for them. An older child serves as a role model who is “within reach” for the younger child.

Helping others makes people feel good about themselves. This idea is not specific to children with hearing loss. But it is true: helping another person gives us a good feeling about ourselves. Every child needs a good reason to feel about him or herself.

What do you think about this idea? Do you have other ways to encourage young adolescents to feel good about themselves? Let us know!

But when we take a break from the end of the year parties and teacher gift planning – there are some important things to remember:

1. Celebrate the success! Regardless of how difficult the school year was for your child, and there will be years, maybe many or even most years like that – celebrate the success of getting through it! There is a child who ought to celebrate never having to do 7^th grade again (no matter how hard the year was). There is the child who is still behind grade level but when we look closely, the child worked really hard and made a lot of progress during the year. And there is the child for whom school is so challenging that just staying in the game, going every day and doing whatever they can – is worthy of celebration.

2. Feel good and share good feelings. It is important to teach your child how to work hard. You have done that all school year long. But it is also healthy to teach your child how to feel good about your accomplishments. Smile, take a deep breath, appreciate how far your child has come. How much he has grown up and try to focus on the good, positive strides your child has made.

3. Do something a little crazy. What would knock your child’s socks off? Dinner out with only mom and dad? A trip to an amusement park, movie, or downtown to see the sights? Make it a really special occasion. As adults, we know how good it feels to get real appreciation for how hard we work at our jobs. Translate that into the language your child understands. Is it time alone together? A trip to somewhere fun? Yummy treats? A video and late bedtime?

4. Leave out the “but.” Sometimes parents try to keep a balanced perspective and say “You did a great job this year in school, but next year is going to be much harder or but next year you will need to work harder.” You may be legitimately worried about how your child is going to get through the next year but keep that to yourself. Nothing undermines a child’s confidence more that his parents saying “maybe you aren’t up to it.” So think carefully if you must about how to give a real compliment. And help your child learn to value his accomplishments without worrying about what comes next.

5. Encourage your child to reflect on his experiences. Ask your child what he thought went well, what he wished were different, what he wants to do differently next year. Ask specifically: “what do you think you need more help with next year?” and “what do you need less help with?” Some kids have never thought in these terms and it is good training for thinking strategically. Some kids can’t believe that their parents actually want to hear what they think about it all.

6. Don’t forget to thank the teachers. Many regular classroom teachers go that extra mile for the child with hearing loss in their classroom. Make sure to show your appreciation for their care and concern for your child. Teach your children to appreciate their teachers too. It doesn’t need to be a big, expensive gift. A thank-you note written by the child saying why the child appreciates this teacher can really mean a lot to a teacher. It’s a good lesson for all of us.

Research on relationships between brothers and sisters highlights how important and enduring these bonds are:

Friendships can come and go, but siblings are ours forever. We cannot choose them, we get who we get. And then we grow by learning how to get along with them. Even if we may argue as children, our siblings remain our family throughout our lives. They are the friends who cannot opt out!

Siblings are invaluable social partners. Children learn how to negotiate, give and take, take the perspective of another person, and (even) argue with siblings. These are really essential social skills that even child needs to master. If we parents can observe how these processes are going, we can sometimes coach our children in how to help them go smoother, while we usually can’t see what is going on with social relationships with peers at school. The trick is to coach and not to get involved in the argument or discussion. If parents insert themselves into the argument or discussion, then the children don’t get the opportunity to learn how to work things out independently.

Siblings try very hard to be understanding of each other, especially if one sibling has a disability. As parents, the conflicts get our attention more than the peaceful moments. The peaceful playtimes or cooperative moments aren’t as loud as fights! But most siblings with a sibling with hearing loss really do understand the unique needs of their brother or sister. They try really hard to keep that in perspective too. Notice your kids being nice to each other, it really might be most of the time.

Siblings seek ways to distinguish themselves from each other. Have you ever thought  “They are sisters, but they are so different”? One of the strategies that siblings use to minimize conflict with each other and get parental attention and love is to find ways that they are different from the other sibling(s). Its something to think about – right? I won’t try to be great a soccer player, just like my superstar older brother, I will seek something different to get involved in and excel. As parents, don’t push siblings to all do the same thing (even if it makes carpooling easier!) if it is not what interests them. Encourage siblings to explore different activities and areas of expertise. While you may think it in your mind – don’t compare children to their siblings out loud!

Sibling relationships are protective during adolescence. During the sometimes difficult teen years, having siblings can be influential protective factors. Teens with siblings are less likely to have depression, have low self-esteem, and a less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. When the relationship between teen siblings is warm and positive, it can serve as a buffer against the rest of the social world that can be confusing and downright mean during this time.

Sibling bonds can often be longest relationships in our lives. Especially, as siblings reach adulthood, the history that we share with a sibling becomes very valuable. In old age (its hard to imagine our children as elderly people!) siblings can be the closest bonds. They are the people who remember many of the memories of the family in the past.

* I like to say “I made a mistake” as an example for my children. We all make mistakes. They become a problem when we don’t own up to them.