Hearing Families

Being a guest at a party is not supposed to be too stressful. Yes, some parties are obligations that you might not feel so enthusiastic about. Yes, you need to get dressed appropriately, you might need to bring a gift, and you need to arrive on time but not too early, but attending a party is supposed to be fun or enjoyable. For some children with hearing loss, parties can be overwhelming, and therefore NOT FUN experiences. Here are some ideas of how to handle this situation:

Try to understand the situation from your child’s perspective. For kids with hearing loss, a party can be a room that is too loud, where even if someone is talking to you, there is too much background noise to understand what that person is saying, everyone is bigger than you and keeps pinching your cheeks, or demanding to be kissed, where there are scary costumes, you don’t really understand what is going on or there is just nothing for you to do, so you just get yelled at to be good. Would you want to go?

Talk about the party and plan ahead. If this is a new situation for your child, make sure that your child knows what to expect. Discuss what you will do there, when, with whom. Spell out everything. Make sure that your child understands the plan by asking her to repeat the steps to you. Plan ahead of time. Lets say it’s the neighborhood Halloween party and your child does not want to come. Bad example, get the child a babysitter and leave her home. I cannot really think of a reason persuasive enough to make you bring your child to this type of event. Ok – the child’s grandparents’ 50^th anniversary party: Plan ahead: we will come all dressed up and smile for pictures. After we smile, everyone gets a lollipop (avoid chocolate – it makes a huge mess, but no matter what – bring a packages of wipes along!). Then we will see if there is anything yummy to eat (you have a backup in your bag – don’t count on anything!) at the buffet and give our homemade cards to Grandma and Grandpa. Then Dad will drive you home and your favorite babysitter will meet you there to play games and she will put you to bed.

Don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone if she doesn’t want to. Its doesn’t seem fair to a child to force her, or to make her feel badly enough, to kiss or hug someone if she doesn’t want to. I’m afraid it sends a message that you don’t listen to your child about her feelings of what feels good to her body. So show affection with a picture she colored to celebrate the event, a gift you bought together, a song they child wrote or anything else you can come up with.

Consider the “chicken finger effect.” If it is a party mainly for adults and just a few children are invited – is there anything for your child to do? Preschoolers with or without hearing loss are not really known for their ability to mingle. If this is a family event and just a few children are included – make plans for that. Bring them food to eat. Even if the most lovely meal will be served at 8:00pm, you child may be losing it from starvation hours earlier. Always remember the “chicken fingers effect” – the town’s greatest caterer will not impress most 5 year olds, they would rather some chicken fingers! Back to the mingling: ask yourself is there anything for the kids to do? If not, bring games, action figures, coloring books, cards, anything that will occupy your children. Set them up in a corner and let them play. Will this party go all night long? Arrange for a sitter to take them home or make some arrangement for them to get put to bed before they self-destruct. It is adorable to have your children in the photos, matching with their cousins and smiling. It is not adorable to have them crying their eyes out while being dragged out of the party kicking and screaming 100 hours after their bedtime!

Separate traditional from mandatory. I am believer in doing this prioritization exercise in almost every aspect of life. Ask yourself: Is this activity mandatory (like going to school, there are laws about this in most places)? Or is this activity traditional but truly optional (children attending the family holiday party)? Lets say you decide that the annual family holiday party is an important tradition but really not mandatory. If you know that it will be too noisy, overwhelming, late, exhausting, un-organized for your child to attend and have a good time, think about how to get her out of it. What if you brought your child for about 10 minutes? Enough time to get a cookie, say hello to all of the relatives, and then take her home? Would the family fall apart? I don’t think so. Also, its okay to decide that this year its not going to be a good experience for your child and leave her home – this doesn’t mean she will not learn the importance of family. It doesn’t mean that your child will never be able to attend normal social events, its just about having developmentally-appropriate expectations of a little kid this year, right now.

Separate traditional from mandatory – even if it feels weird or a little embarrassing. My favorite child with hearing loss did not have a birthday party with his friends until he was 7 years old. At his 4-year-old birthday, he freaked out so completely, that the next three birthdays were marked by a cake with his grandparents at Sunday dinner. Yes, he was invited to many other kids’ parties, and no, he never reciprocated. But he felt too overwhelmed by all of the attention placed on him. When he had a party at age 7 – there was no cake and candles, I think we served donuts instead, so everyone could eat a yummy dessert without everyone looking at the birthday boy. I still don’t completely understand why this was such a big deal to him, but there is really no point in making a party to celebrate the birth of someone who is going to be terribly stressed out by the experience.

If you are the host, consider scaling down. Its okay to invite 2,3,4 friends to watch a movie and eat pizza – you DO NOT need to invite the whole class, neighborhood, state, even if that is what is done. You may need to call the teacher and let her know what you are doing and explain that your child cannot handle a party with the whole class and hope she understands. You could also send a little treat in to school on your child’s birthday and that’s it. Nothing terrible will happen if your child has a low-key birthday celebration.

Don’t go anywhere without batteries. Do not leave home for 10 minutes without replacement batteries for your child’s hearing aids or CI. Somehow, these machines can sense family stress and the batteries die in the car on the way to important occasions more than anywhere else! Put a pack in your purse, glove compartment, wallet, anywhere you can think of that will be with you when you go out.

One last word: if there is a lot of pressure from family or friends, its OK to say “my child can’t make it right now.” It can be hard when you find yourself wishing your child would be low-maintenance and issue-free like the other kids who just get dragged along to … and don’t seem to mind. If you know that the situation will be disastrous for your child (and therefore YOU), you may need to say “I’m so sorry that you are disappointed. But Emma gets overwhelmed by the loud music at parties and starts crying. I hope you can understand that I am trying to take her needs into account here.” If the family member or friends cannot respect that, then I am afraid it is too bad. You can feel comfortable knowing that your first responsibility is to your child and remember that they WILL grow up sooner or later!

Happy holidays!

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Tags: celebrations, children, cochlear implant, coping with stress, deaf, hearing aids, hearing loss, listening to your child, participating in family events, realistic expectations, talking to your child