Fighting Burn-Out: What to do when your work is really never done?
Parents in two different states of mind walk into the speech therapy office. There is the first group, most of the parents, most of the time – they walk in with a smile on their face, shoulders held back and head up high. They look happy to be standing next to their wonderful child and confident in their ability to meet the often-great challenge of helping their child with hearing loss be as successful as they can possibly be.
The second group look exhausted. They have a forced, bleak smile that they are trying to keep on their face in the hope that they don’t make a bad impression. They can’t seem to muster too much interest in their child and they feel hopelessly overwhelmed by the needs of this child with hearing loss.
No criticism of either group please – I am a frequent member of both groups, depending on the day, on how tired I am, how much else I have to do, and how discouraging the past couple of days have been.
When I first learned about my son’s hearing loss and how to encourage his language development, I was given the interesting advice to “bathe your child in language.” I took that to heart and tried to make the habit of talking about everything “Now we are going to get in the car and go home” and “Ohh, it looks like your toast is almost ready! Can you see the bread is getting brown around the edges?!” Now don’t get me wrong, talking to your child when he/she is young and talking with your child as he/she gets older is probably the most important thing a parent can do day-to-day to promote their child’s language, social and emotional, and cognitive development. There is only one problem: every parent gets tired sometimes. Sometimes, we are too upset about other things that are happening, sometimes our throats hurt, sometimes we are just having a bad day. It is terribly hard to keep up such an intense level of being “on” and in touch with your child all of the time.
Here are some ways to get through the rough patches and spend most of the time in the happy parents group:
Everyone needs a break sometimes. It is totally normal to get tired of everything, sometimes. Even your own flesh and blood, the love of your life, your beautiful child. Its okay to say, “I have had enough, I need a break”. Save the energy of feeling guilty for being a bad parent, because this doesn’t mean that you are. Remember that really good parents work so hard at parenting that sometimes, their parenting energy is just spent and they need to recharge that energy source.
Take that break when you need it. Call your spouse, say “clear your evening, I need to get out” or go out alone. If you are feeling desperate for a break, don’t push it off – take some time off as soon as you can. Leave the laundry unfolded and work that you brought home undone until the morning. Most likely the sky wont fall in and you will be able to tackle any task better after you got some time to rest and relax.
Everyone benefits. See that is the beauty: no one actually loses anything when a parent takes a break and gets some time off. Parents who are at their wit’s end, feeling exhausted and impatient with their child are not great company for their child. You aren’t worth much to your child in this state. You will be a much better parent when you have rested and regained your positive outlook. Plus, your child gets to play with another nice person. I truly believe that no lasting harm comes to a child left home for a couple of hours every now and again with a responsible babysitter.
Its even good for your child. Modeling healthy adult behavior is good for kids. To know that Mom and Dad go out on a Saturday night and look happy when they leave is actually reassuring to a child. He may grab your legs and cry “don’t go Mommy, don’t leave me Daddy!” but he learns that his parents have a relationship independent of him and his needs and wants. That is reassuring knowledge for a child. Single parents don’t have that built-in companionship and sounding-board, but they need it no less. Make dates ahead of time to get out with friends, to do something enjoyable or even just to run errands together.
Be creative if you need to be. Call a sitter and get them to come over and watch your child for a little while. Arrange a swap with a neighbor or friend: you watch my kids for a couple of hours and I’ll take your kids next week, next month. Enlist family members who want to spend time with your child. If all you can find is the next-door neighbor who is 8 years old, ask her to come play with your toddler for an hour while you are at home and make yourself a hot drink, put your feet up, and read a book.
There are hard stages that will wear you down more. Be aware of that – when your child is going though a hard time, you probably will too. You may need a break from your tantruming toddler more often than you did when your baby was younger and more cooperative! Look for patterns – you have not become slowly a bad parent and now you can’t stand your child. Instead, you are probably a fine parent, with a child who is really demanding right now.
Plan ahead to have more regular breaks. Sometimes, just knowing that there is a break to look forward to helps get you though the day or the week. Especially if things are very busy and hectic and you can’t get away for any serious chunk of time, make a plan for how to get some time off later. Dream about it, fantasize about it. It sometimes helps to have something exciting to look forward to.
Nothing will happen if your child plays alone for a little while. Yes, talking to your child is so important. But your child definitely benefits from spending some time alone, playing, looking at her books, and just thinking her thoughts. You can announce that after snack time, we are having quiet play time, everybody in their own room, or outside, wherever your child is most likely to be able to entertain herself for a little while.
Tomorrow is another day. Don’t get discouraged if today felt endless and frustrating. Parenting can be very aggravating at times. Parents of children with hearing loss can feel like their work is never-ending. But don’t lose heart. Putting a good night’s sleep between you and your child always helps. Accepting that some days are just hard and disappointing helps you get though those days with your positive perspective and sense of humor intact.
ONE MORE NOTE: All of the strategies above apply to when you are feeling worn out and just need a break. If you are feeling very angry and frustrated and are afraid you might hurt your child, STOP. In the USA, Canada, US Virgin Islands, Guam and Puetro Rico, you can call CHILDHELP USA 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) and speak to a hotline counselor who can help.
Tags: Babies, babysitter, children, coping with stress, fighting burn-out, hearing loss, outlook on life, parents, parents need breaks, parents taking care of their needs
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