Hearing Families

Sibling relationships are both incredibly enriching and important connections for children (and adults!) and can cause complicated, very emotionally-draining conflicts in families. They are so complex and individual that it is very hard to talk about them in general terms. But I will try to talk about them in general terms because parents are searching for more understanding of how to support the development of healthy sibling relationships in their families of children with hearing loss.

Brothers and sisters of a sibling with hearing loss say that they play the role of interpreter, role model, or caregiver to their sibling with hearing loss. This is an important issue for parents to be aware of. As parents, we want to see our children learn to help each other. That is great. But we need to be alert to signs that the child with normal hearing is starting to feel worn out from feeling too responsible for his or her sibling with a hearing loss. I used to shout down to the basement playroom for my younger daughter to tell her brother with hearing loss that it is time to come upstairs for dinner. After I read about these siblings, I starting going downstairs myself to call both of them. She will still repeat things for her brother when they are both in the backseat of our car, but I imagine that she is so used to that already, that it is second-nature.

Siblings with normal hearing often understand that the brother or sister with hearing loss needs special care – like constant shuttling to speech therapy or audiology appointments – but can still feel resentful or jealous of how much of their parents’ attention this takes up. This is really normal. All siblings want and deserve their parents’ attention. Parents often feel very torn and conflicted by the competing needs of their children, especially in hectic times like cochlear implant surgery and activation.

What is the best a parent can do? Parents need to take care of the needs of all of their children as best they can. Kids understand that. They also probably understand that it is a very hectic time around cochlear implant surgery or new hearing aids. It can often help the sibling if parents let them know that they realize it is a hard time and that they are not able to spend as much time together with the other children now as they would like. For a lot of kids, just having the parents acknowledge the difficulty of the situation really lightens their load and makes them feel included in what the family is going through.

Try saying something like this to your child. “You know, right now it is so busy with appointments for Riki’s cochlear implant that we don’t have as much time together as I wish we had. I bet it is hard for you, even though you are trying so hard to be understanding and patient. I really appreciate how hard this time is for you and I am really proud of how considerate you are being about the situation. I am really looking forward to when this hectic time is over and we can do something special together just the two of us. Do you have an idea of something you’d like to do?” No need for a word-for-word speech, but you get the idea!

Make time for “appointments” with the other kids. It can seem unfair to siblings that the child with hearing loss is always getting your individual attention by going to speech or audiology appointments. But you can make appointments for the other kids’ haircuts, dentist visits, or check-ups and take only that child to the appointment with a quick ice cream cone or other yummy treat at the end. This can help the other children feel like they get that special one-on-one attention from you.

Take time to explain things to the other siblings and check if you need to set things straight. In one study of siblings of children with hearing loss, the normal hearing sibs said that they were worried about “catching” their brother’s or sister’s deafness. While parents might chuckle at this impossible and funny idea, how is a small child to know that this scary scenario is not going to happen?!

When the oldest child has a hearing loss: the younger children are born into a family with a child with a hearing loss. My oldest son wore hearing aids since he was very young. I discovered that my second child, at the time a toddler of 2 years old, simply assumed that when she was 4 years old, she would get hearing aids too! It seemed so natural to her, that she figured that it must be a matter of age, and then she would get hearing aids. We needed to explain that each child is different and will get what he/she needs, and each child needs different things.

Explain to older siblings what is going on when a younger brother or sister is diagnosed with hearing loss. This is often a frightening and confusing time for parents. But it can be also worrisome to the older siblings. When children are left out of things, they can feel very confused or assume terrible things are going on (much worse things than hearing loss). Think about it from the sibling’s perspective: if whatever is going on is not terrible – why don’t my parents tell me about it? Maybe it is so bad, that they don’t want us to know!

If you feel like you aren’t sure how to explain things to your older children, you can ask your audiologist or speech therapist to talk with your older children. The kids can come to see the speech therapy or audiology center where you and the newly diagnosed child is spending so much time. These professionals have lots of experience talking to kids and answering questions. And a non-family member can sometimes talk about things in an objective way that parents might have trouble with.

After reading this post you might want to try an interesting experiment with your kids, the normal hearing sibs. You can open and print this page for your normal hearing children: QUESTIONS FOR SIBLINGS and ask them to answer the questions. It might give you a perspective on what your kids are feeling, dealing with, or concerned about, that you had not considered before. You can ask older kids to write down their answers (good exercise for the kids who need to keep writing during the summer vacation) or take a dictation from younger kids. Either way, it is good for kids to know that their perspective is important to you, the parent. And it might be really eye-opening to learn what your children are thinking.

There are a some good books out there about having a brother or sister with disabilities, 2 for parents and 2 for the siblings themselves. I have not seen any books for siblings of children with hearing loss specifically, but these are a good place to start:

For Parents:

Brothers & Sisters: A Special Part of Exceptional Families, Third Edition. By Peggy A. Gallgher, Thomas H. Powell, and Cheryl A. Rhodes. 2006: Brookes Publishing Co.

It Isn’t Fair: Siblings of Children with Disabilities. Edited by Stanley D. Klein and Maxwell J. Schleiffer. 1993:Bergin & Garvey.

For Siblings:

Living with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A Book for Sibs, Second Edition, Revised and Expanded. By Donald Meyer and Patricia Vadasy. 1996:University of Washington Press.

Views From Our Shoes: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs. Edited by Donald Meyer. 1997: Woodbine House.

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Tags: brothers and sisters, children, cochlear implant, deaf, feeling jealous or neglected, hearing aids, hearing loss, listening to your child, parenting, parents, research, siblings, talking to your child