Hearing Families

Eva Marks, 4 years old, was asked to be the flower girl in her uncle’s upcoming wedding. It was a very exciting time for the whole Marks family and Eva, who liked to dress up as a bride in pretend play time, was caught up with the excitement too. Her parents were really touched that Uncle Roger and his fiancé asked Eva to be the flower girl and started making plans for her matching dress and rehearsal dinner events.

Eva has been using a cochlear implant in her right ear since she was 13 months old and had gotten her bilateral left implant 8 months ago. She was adjusting to the second implant so well, thankfully, but noisy situations were still challenging for her. Her parents wanted to make sure that the wedding was a positive experience for Eva and also hoped that they could also enjoy the wedding. They decided to plan ahead carefully so that Eva would be sure to be at her best.

This is a great idea. 4 years old is pretty young to attend a wedding, and certainly to be part of the wedding party. Planning ahead, her parents were able to accomplish a few important goals:

Make sure the child understands exactly what is going to happen. Especially if the child has never been to a wedding or graduation before. Parents can’t assume that the child will know what to do, when. Don’t try to whisper explanations during the event – explain as much as you can well before the party so that you can answer questions and check if your child really understood.

Eva’s parents played their wedding video for Eva to show her what the flower girl at their wedding did, walking down the aisle carrying the basket of flower petals and smiling. They bought the basket, put some pouporri in it and taped a plastic tablecloth to their living room carpet so that Eva could practice her important job. They played a tape of the wedding processional music so that Eva would get used to how it sounded.

Plan out the schedule in advance. This gives the child a sense of control over the situation, because she knows what to expect. A child who understands what is expected of them is more likely to cooperate if there is waiting and patience required.

Eva’s parents told her that they would go to the chapel after naptime, eat pretzels and chocolate milk, change into pretty dresses, and then sniff the pretty flowers until it was time to march.

Be realistic about how much the child can handle.

It is adorable for Eva to be the flower girl. But her wise parents decided that she would have trouble standing quietly during the entire service (she isn’t the only one and who can blame her!). They arranged for a babysitter to take Eva outside after she marched down the aisle and play with a new toy during the wedding ceremony. Eva met the sitter ahead of time and knew her name and helped decide what toy to bring along.

Be strategic. Have them wear a watch and keep track of how long it takes quietly to themselves. Make sure they have rested and eaten before the event – don’t bring a hungry child into a situation like this and expect them to sit quietly for hours! Take them to the bathroom right before the ceremony starts.

Eva’s parents brought Eva’s favorite doll and memory game for her to play at the reception. They figured that she could play happily enough on her own for a little while and no one would mind if she was not mingling or dancing.

Be merciful – on yourself and your child. If the child is old enough to be expected to sit through the wedding ceremony or graduation, discuss with them how long it will take. If the child says that he can’t do it – make arrangements for him to wait somewhere else. It will be far less embarrassing to explain to relatives that your child can’t sit that long than to have him disturb and be hauled out crying.

Eva’s parents realized that the reception would only start at 7 or 8pm. They brought food for Eva to eat before the reception began, since she was used to eating supper at 5:30pm. And they arranged with the sitter to be on call in case Eva was tired and needed to go back to the hotel before the party was over. This way they could stay to the end and enjoy this special family event and Eva could leave before an exhaustion meltdown happened.

The music can be too loud and that can really stress out a child with hearing loss (it can be bad for the hearing of the rest of the guests too). If a child is close enough to the hosts of the wedding to be invited, then consider if you can respectfully mention your child’s needs to the hosts.

Eva’s parents mentioned to Roger that if the music was too loud, Eva would not be able to stand it for long. Roger discussed this with the band and made sure that Eva was seated at a table as far from the band as possible.

Create a signal before it is needed. When there are lots of people, noise, and commotion, it can be hard to notice a child trying to get your attention. Make a signal with your child so that she can alert you and get your attention without throwing a tantrum.

Eva’s parents practiced their secret signal in case of a problem – Eva was supposed to say “bananas” and tap her nose. This helped her feel prepared and that her parents were responsive to her needs. When well-meaning but unfamiliar relatives wanted to pick her up and toss her around, Eva gave the signal and her parents quickly intervened and escorted Eva to another activity.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Tags: celebrations, children, cochlear implant, coping with stress, deaf, hearing loss, parents, participating in family events, realistic expectations, wedding